so heres another post about my problems... i am not asking for pitty by no means. thats not what this is about. this is for me to post my feelings and it helps me so much to just write everything out. so please dont criticize me or think i am asking for attention because i really am not. and really it probably doesnt make sense to anyone cause i just wrote what came to my mind and i really dont even remember what all i wrote but here goes..

i think its best for me to move on. i cant stand this feeling anymore. it is seriously a struggle for me to get through the day. i am emotionally drained. it hurts me so bad that it has to be this way and i dont understand why. i ask myself that all the time. why is it like this. why can my friends get through the problems with their girlfriends but i cant? i pray to god everynight that he will just make her see how much she means to me. i have been a horrible person this whole summer and im sorry to everyone but so much is happening and losing the girl that i thought i would marry does not make it any easier. it was so beautiful and perfect what we had, but things can get tough sometimes. why cant you forgive me.. why cant i just forget everything and move on... why do i feel this way... what do i do? do i continue to feel this way just cause there is the tinyest bit of hope left in me or do i give up on what i love so much. what i need so much. shes the one thing that held me together and i am hopeless without her. i cant be me anymore. im so depressed. like, horribly depressed. i see couples together everywhere and it makes me want to cry everytime i see them. i am so jealous of them. i guess right now i just cant understand why i deserve this. just because you jumped to conclusions and never talked to me about it. i would never ever cheat on you. you know that. why cant we just talk through this and get through and go on with our lives together. i wont ever hold you back from anything i could never do that. i am not that kind of person. i never said you couldnt hang out with your friends. i told you to. maybe im being selfish now because i want to see you but i never ever get the chance. even when i ask first. and it hurts me so much when everything that is going on in your life and i want to be there for you so bad but you wont let me. maybe you are just scared but what have you got to lose? i can tell you right now what you can lose though. you can lose the boy who loves you more then anyone ever could. this is becoming directed towards her again but i feel like this is the only way i can talk to her... i think i should start to move on... its definatly not what i want to do. i cant even imagine being with another girl... but i think i have to cause things arent changing and we dont talk and honestly you do not try very hard at all. i am a mess and i need someone badly to put me back together and there is nothing that i want more in this world then for it to be you, but that little bit of hope i have left is dying. i dont want to even think about this right now i just want to get so messed up to where i cant think about this. that sounds so imature, but for once there is logic to it. i dont know what to do. honestly i really dont. but once i move on then its over with for good. that scares me so much. i cant wait much longer like how things are. i would wait for ever for you, but not how things are now. they would have to change. i could give you time if thats what you needed. but the way things are now, its just not fair to me. i want to be me again